Month: April 2016

This beautiful mess

Soulfulness turning sour Love giving way to doubt..Best friends bewildered.I’m dying while you are apparently down south

Speaking of which I put my all in this.I still reserved the right to be free.Or so I thought.You were in full control.And now I’m lost in sorrow

Our higher selves can get past this.But we are deciding against this.Something or someone is holding you back.Something I knew I deserved I didn’t preserve.

So I wasn’t ready. I was in the learning stage.But you ran out of time.I should of knew better.I thought I gave it my all. I perhaps thought you put boundaries on this love.

But maybe boundaries are good. But suppression needs to expressed in healthier ways we can communicate about. But there’s a death silence.

And I’m dying inside with the ambiguity.And you seem like you are ok. But if your ok shouldn’t I also? I felt you in my soul as a reminder of the bond we shared.

Im remembering all of the endless conversations we had to come to this place.So beautiful and streamlined.When I’m with him I feel so complete. I am whole self.

Omission wasn’t in our paradigm script we wrote for each other.
Neither was infidelity

Neither was lack of careness

Neither was making each other feel this is conditional.

The indifference.

The deceptiveness.

The mess.

We both fell short.

This delusion behind it is great Yet the connection is stronger.

I just want to kiss and make up. You want your distance as if you had enough.I’m sad.My soulmate is missing in action.I really don’t know where to go next.Maybe he’ll come back to me 

Maybe not.

How do I move on? There are interested candidates.But I just want my one.The one that made me transform.

The one that let me in 

The one that made me feel like I will win

The one I will forever feel confident in 

The one I will always be in love with.
We took a chance on each other and now we have these days that feel long .My thoughts killing me.I’m not her I’m me.I’m sorry I wasn’t who you wanted me to be.I just love different.I thought my actions showed this.I thought you saw I would chose you regardless

I was never enough for you,

I kinda wish I never knew you,

But here we are here in this mess

This beautiful trash bag decorated in lies and mishaps.We could throw it out.Or we could recycle and leave our carbon footprint.

Honesty is the best policy.

Reaching our lovely highest point that we work so hard for, Instead of finding comfort in being reactionary.

I have questions. A lot of them.But I want to work on being more than my questions. I want to work on being more than my suspicions.I want to work on getting over the careless behaviors of this soulmate I feel deep down inside me.

I want to. 

I also want to be smart. I want to get up and live again.I want to stop crying.I want to feel alive.

Optimism is cool to have in times like this but the reality is too perilous to resist.So I’m left here in a dire need of clarity.Time heals and perhaps me moving on will be the best bet.I can’t sleep and eat and I don’t believe you care to know this.

I’m so confused.

This beautiful mess.I feel like I’m being played.Should I listen to discernment or should I listen to my heart? 

What a decision.

Please universe help me feel like a strong woman again.

Because this man you sent me absorb all of my energy. And I didn’t mind.Now I need to fend for me because he disappeared out of my life.I should of expected this since he is known for this.Yet I didn’t prepare properly for it.
This beautiful mess,

Show me what to do soon.I am qualified to be absolutely beautiful But these tears is revealing how weak I am.

I thought about him before me.I can’t even get him to call me anymore. I have to understand he might be gone for good. And yet I keep reaching out to him not getting the clue.This dependability is ridiculous.I lost myself in him and I’m looking to gain this back.

Please God show me what to do and soon.

I fell short now I’m alone with this soulmate that still has mine and ran with it without a care of how it would make me feel. 
When I always put his feelings before me.

To be there though thick and thin yet he decided he couldn’t be there at all.

This feeling is all too familiar. 

I am the circumstances I placed on myself.Maybe this is what he meant when he desired someone with self respect.

Now I choose to live again.With or without him.

To be strong again.With or without him.

To be free again.With or without him.

To know I am worthy of all things.To have a man come into my life and truly adore me enough to know he’ll love me to a unconditional level. To love to be intimate with me. To not place boundaries on what is true, to want to satisfy me In ways I’ll satisfy him, to be free in each other’s arms, to know he’s mine and not anyone else’s.To be primary and not feel like I’m second place.I’m worthy past this beautiful mess.

With or without you.

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Shattered glass and broken ceilings 

Poured my heart out in Santa Fe in Tulum, Where I let my feelings out that I left at bay

I wrote poems my whole life about love 

And I was blessed to be granted with it and I have no idea what to say.
I played with something I knew I needed my whole life

As I let my sins wash away with the sand I tear up understanding his strife

There’s no excuse I just didn’t act right.

Right in his eyes.

I wonder if true forgiveness is allowed here

Or if we will ever get back to where we were.

Man I’m such a dumb one.

The only person that saw my stars.

And saw the brightest one and named it after me

I was too busy being selfish not realizing how love was suppose to be 

Nourishing, respecting, cherishing, everything you would want someone to do for you you do for them.

I shattered the glass.

I look out to this setting sun and I just hurt. 

The bones weary for knowing what would be the outcome of my mistakes.

Will I ever get this blessing again?

Will this only be my last time experiencing true love like this?

Or was this a training course to something in the future? 

I’m not sure.

I just wish I didn’t get to see the sand wash away my feet in this ocean.

Pulling away the tides but it still left these feelings.

Empty feelings knowing nothing I can now say and do will make a difference. 

Sun is set and know we are left with broken ceilings.