literature

Perspective 

Through the pastures where the mystical Jesus was born Subconsciously the carbon monoxide arise from those pastures.In my heart up it goes to the atmosphere.

Loving you was like slave masters lashes, I lashed out. And passive aggressive behaviors kept me in line.

You didn’t love me enough.

I had a pleasure in seeing how you would rest your chin on my violin and played me so gently. I had the pleasure of being found finally.

Like the 7 wonders of the world I found one I wouldn’t stop visiting. unrequited love was your form of control to just go be. Guess I only saw this as a commitment.

You been check out as you saw it from the clouds looking dow.Instead of making a choice to walk beside me in this.

It’s cool.

You didn’t love me enough.

But it’s not cool.

Long nights wondering if I believe if this earth were made up of buddhas and Horus’s. I delve into sound waves of what sequences in our sacred geometry that put a world between us.

I try to find you in celestial forms.Planet placements that maybe you hop in and out of.Using astral projection to maybe see what way to have control over me.

These dried up tears listening to cranes in the sky on repeat wondering if I got strings on my chest because I still follow your words in my head to see where it went wrong.

You didn’t love me enough 

I’m grounding and u gave me a sense of foundation yet u did the same for me until you disappeared. Where do you go when people who love you miss you? Do you not acknowledge their presence in your life? 

You didn’t love me enough

I stayed, I found, I sacrificed, I illustrated, yet you mastered. Two completely different frequencies and neither one of them saw that a blessing was slipping away. Was it true love because it didn’t last or was it too heavenly for earthly basic needs? 

I say he didn’t love me enough.

I’m sure he’ll say she didn’t love me enough. 

Through my pain she should have hid her power of her truth from me and focus on me.Seeing where I am at mentally, to come in and play the ultimate sorcery. 

I needed her to adore me like I do her.She didn’t see my protecting her was my way of showing her my love.

She played with me as if I didn’t spend my time not getting to know her.How dare write this poem when I was there when no one was? 

Through my own devastation I tried loving her with me being open.She broke me down with truthfulness.

She messed everything up by not being everything I want.My masculinity wouldn’t accept men are predators and she was quite the flirt.

She didn’t love me enough.

True wisdom is what I provided giving her the tools for her to see this through, navigate our relationship with rightful eyes and she let me down.

She didn’t love me enough.

I thought for the both of us, Queen that she is.She got me wondering how do I love again after this,Is this what women do, who knows,

But she didn’t understand so I left.Because I need someone to love me enough.

And she cried because she wasn’t given a second chance and her love language completely ignored.

He didn’t love her enough.

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These field of memories…

Laying here in these field of memories,Deprived of sleep,

Because I use to watch u sleep so peacefully,

Here,

And where the soils disbursed a wild fire of lovemaking to heal any wounds we tried our best to not succumb to by looking each other in the eyes while bursting into flames to have our union ensue 

And when break up to making up occurred when one of us feel like the other was producing less we made sure we patched it up by loving some more,

Are how the painful truth came out and the love burning our eyes and aching bones reside and no matter how it came out we held each other by its side,

And what was true love? We answered it here while Marvin Gaye in the background as we laid our bodies down for the first time as complete lovers and not strangers. Feeling the grips of the universe gravitate in our spirits sending electric charges through us. The time was now. 

And why our last encounter was the worst one. Where words that needed not to be said and we went in a dead end. Where regrets happen and love was lost. Trust broken and no more making up was involved. 

This bed. 

The very one I lay in and inhale these memories day and night,

It brings painful loving thoughts of you.

Of us.

A lot of very first times were made here.

I miss you. 

But we are on our own paths now…

Life is roller coaster,

Our love was one also 

Our journey ended when we got off. 

So I inhale these field of memories everyday.

I drown in sorrow,

And wash off in faith. 

I put on my makeup to cover the bloodshed eyes

I smile as if I never was broken 

And I maneuver in this world with the lessons that was taught to me

To love wholeheartedly 

To script my life around what I truly admire

I thank you universe for showing me the way,

Please forgive me on the mistakes we have made,

Heal us again 

And if we are very lucky,

We can reconcile in this field of memories that only you, the powerful creator, can only send. 

The mastermind behind her lost eyes.

The pain is palpable Her solar plexus tied in knots,every time she eats, she rots.

Waiting for the moment you call her again, and want to start where they had stop.

The anxiety of losing you causes friction to her feet, not able to move forward because it feels as if you took her ability to seek.

You didn’t come with a disclaimer,

She assumes she ignored the signs, 

she rationalized your emotional abuse as mishaps in your life and she still gave you her light to shine.

Seven months celibate until she gave you her center.She thought someone like you was worthy so she happily followed your obsequious mind. 

she also gave you her precious time.

She lost a lot of it waiting to hear from you so she can be commenced in hearing your sweet lullabies.

She always believed him. He was who he said he was. You made her feel like this was a forever type thing.

Why doubt it when you felt it too? 

She can’t force you to see it but let’s get to the clues.

She ride for hers and it’s perceived as crazy.You went missing every now and then on her as if she never existed.

Two different ways for preservation but here’s the catch:you ran from love and she dived in it.

While intently listening to your dream on January 31st,  words told to her that said she wasn’t never going to be ‘real’ enough,  
You knew something realer that watched over you, Your first. 

Words that shattered her back bone. Words that made her hide from her ghosts. Realizing she could never make him into a home. Because he longed for it in other ways.

He killed her vibe.

And from that day on, little did he know she internally felt like she died. The mastermind behind her lost eyes.
The man of her dreams,

Her knight and shining armor sliced her in half.  

Nothing right or wrong could be good enough or wrong enough. 

straws that broke the camels back,right in the middle of them building. 

But she swallowed your sword because she knew idioms were fixed expressions. 

She looked into a magnifying glass to see if she did in fact hurt the one who administered the flu shot of misery that killed her slowly.
You found peace in forgetting about her as she found peace in faith.

Two different people but they are both broken.Why you put her through this?Why did she put herself through this? 

She wonders if this was love for him or an escape route. 

When you first saw her what did you think? Lets give her all of my burdens so she can be responsible in sorting them out. 

And even through such an impossible task, 

She tried to be Superman for him and do as such but she really was just a Jane Gray. 

Not knowing her own mutant power was activated in telekinesis. Or rather psychokinesis…

Mind over matter, as she knew you were damaged, she takes blame in dying twice while under your condolences. 

Or rather your control. 

She felt a competition going on she didn’t realize she even entered.
It broke her knowing she was never gonna be what you wanted her to be. 

You didn’t accept her. This is how you made her feel.

She settled in being a consolation prize.
Knowing she’ll be 2nd place at all times.

Why couldn’t this stay platonic…where friendships can never be broken.

She remembers countless nights of not sleeping at all because she didn’t want to miss your call,

She filled your life up with sending her love through poetry, gifts, thoughtful gestures to show you how much she cared.

You made her evolve and transcended her into womanhood.

What gift more beautiful to be exalted for? Through it all, she was blessed to have such an experience.

You didn’t feel the same with her so you left her to dry out in the sun.
And she becomes undone.

She then became a Lucy that burns in the hearts of man. She started to hate the evilness of liars. Transparent enough?

Well lets get descriptive.

Through those advantageous attempts in wanting you to see her, the real her that was exclusively for you,

she lost an ear.

So she couldn’t hear.

She couldn’t hear what you were saying and it simply said: you’ll never be what my wife is to me. You’ll never be what I already had.

She lies in the corner crying at night seeing visuals of your words hanging on her heart.

She thought less of herself.

Even when you called her a queen.

Actions speaking louder than words.

But God made her no quitter so she scattered your words and tried to make a puzzle.

While doing this she lost her sebaceous gland.

Her shine went missing.

Losing herself in you.

She didn’t know what she could do.

She kept giving you more of what she knew was true: me.

Then what she thought was her new found holy trinity came before me and said upon to me set yourself free because you are not what I need.

A womb that was stabbed. 

The black woman disrespected again. 

Words that she knew were coming because you once showed your conditionality when you once told her to rest in peace to the day you cared. 

 She had faith and it failed her. 

Now as a losing battle she tried many attempts at reaching out only to have made her lose all sense of self in the process.

Tuned into this thing called insanity or maybe a plea agreement. Whichever you can believe, it left her feeling utterly embarrassed,

and confused,

and disgusting,

and completely lost.

A beautiful Love story gone bad because they didn’t sustain to be friends first. Rushing into something that desperately needed time to go through Photosynthesis to have it flourish.
Why must we want what we want now and right away? 
Why couldn’t they see this kind of thing is not for everybody? 

Didn’t they see how rare their bond was ?

Why didn’t you see the free spirited beauty in her that you’ve now finally found and flew away with?

Why couldn’t she see you as a blueprint?Something to navigate and get accustomed to. 

Be still saith the lord and great things will prosper from this.Why were they so anxious? 

Restart buttons are for the shrewd and beloved. The ones we think aren’t tainted with but they must of knew that the truth never sets no one free.

Why can’t ppl say sorry for their mistakes instead of throwing their cards in? 
Why leave when it was so great within.

Reaching out as if she is saying to you “et tu brute?” while you’ve thrown a dagger into her back you’ve already damaged each time she reached out and was given a non response.

Friends. How many of us have them? 
All of life’s opportunities and she is given these monochromic items. Nothing excites her no more.
You were her cirque du soleil. 

Just like how you cut her in half, why can’t you use that energy and put her back together again?

Only you can do this. 

The billy jeans you said that were not your lover became 5am booty calls you thought she wasn’t aware of.

As she used her higher self to pull herself through the betrayal of unconditional love,
She bathed in a thousand words over the androgynous voice she carries in her spirit that were painted white to purify her again. 

Attempting to find a balance again. 

She meditated so heavily, she saw the hues of the universe intermixing with the sound of light on her balcony at the crack of dawn.

She prayed so furiously, she saw God bypass her as if the wind spoke to her and whispered ‘i am also real’

She thought so hard of you every morning, she rearranged the reality so her ideals were still in tact.

But through all of this, She wakes up empty.Just like you perhaps feel.You gave her your hole in your heart. 

While she was getting use to her soul dancing that was in perfect alignment with yours that others found rather esoteric, little did they know we had found love in a hopeless place. 
Now she just want to shine again. You took a piece of her and that’s fine. Have that piece teach you about reconciliation and hope.About how the most beautiful heart found yours. 

Hopefully that piece you stole from her morphed into a liaise so they then can have the greatest understanding for one another. 

Until then. Resentment fills the airways. She wants to hate you so bad so she use euphemisms to disguise how much she regret meeting you. 

Then she laugh at yourself fully aware you were the best tragedy that could of ever happen to her. She wouldn’t take back a thing but the pieces you both were missing: patience.

Time could of move them forward but everything was considered abuse to him. 

What bad luck huh. 

A beautiful mirage 

I lost myself in you and now I don’t know what to do.I’m struggling for my identity.

This pain is too ensued

Self respect I lost trying to please you

I gain nothing in return not even a friendly birthday call.

Carelessness with the magnitude of my love I still was competing as if I saw the finish line.

I wanted it all.

However, I’m seeing I’m on the losing end.

No one tucking me in

No one saying they love me again

I guess I missed the signs

I should of been more stronger 

I should kept some things to myself

He controlled my every move

Now he treats me as such

What am I going to do

May God please give me my heart again

My strength to know I can walk again

I lost my religion because I prayed to him every night

The fuck was I thinking worshipping a mere sight

A beautiful mirage of what could have been.

Yes I made mistakes and you’ve made some too

But the emotional abuse isn’t for this muse

You shot me your manipulative intellect

You smelled my naively gullible ways

You took heed and burned down my walls

Now I’m exposed with no thought at all

I promise when I get past this I will forgive u for this all

Until then I’m drowning in a sea of sins

Sins you wanted me to bathe in 

Something I’m not use to doing because I’ve always been so independent.

What was I thinking about falling in love with a widower?

He already had his time maybe I should of looked for my own personalized love.

I saw your potential and saw I could possibly have a friend

But you used me and made me decorate in your own personal wins

Your always right and I am never enough.

I’m shouting and pleading for your attention

And you want me to worry about me.

How devastating.

 I gave myself away too easily.

I didn’t put a guard up

You shot me down.

You tracked me down and smelled a winner and saw that I was prey to wander with your self pitiful ways to make me feel like I was never ok.

I wish I kept my business to myself.

I wish I listen to my mother.

Perhaps we would be still living in bliss.

Or maybe not.

Maybe our true selves would have came out in other ways or whatnot.

Anywho I’m praying everyday I don’t die if he doesn’t call me each day.

So I’m turning to the energy of the world to please forgive me and please give me some way out.

Out of this maze he trapped me in.

He won and I’m alone.

He’s moving on and I’m trying not to kill myself to show him how much I loved him.

I know that sounds morbid but it’s true

I never want to wake back up if I didn’t have you.

Maybe he could smell this as a turn off

I see the weakness in me too I hope for a better tomorrow.

God heal us women who battle with these behaviors from men.

Help us understand our worth and protect what’s so precious within.

Help us find our voice and have him begging for us to be heard

Have me understand life isn’t over but these out lessons learned

Please show me life is so much more.

Because I’m dying. 

This beautiful mess

Soulfulness turning sour Love giving way to doubt..Best friends bewildered.I’m dying while you are apparently down south

Speaking of which I put my all in this.I still reserved the right to be free.Or so I thought.You were in full control.And now I’m lost in sorrow

Our higher selves can get past this.But we are deciding against this.Something or someone is holding you back.Something I knew I deserved I didn’t preserve.

So I wasn’t ready. I was in the learning stage.But you ran out of time.I should of knew better.I thought I gave it my all. I perhaps thought you put boundaries on this love.

But maybe boundaries are good. But suppression needs to expressed in healthier ways we can communicate about. But there’s a death silence.

And I’m dying inside with the ambiguity.And you seem like you are ok. But if your ok shouldn’t I also? I felt you in my soul as a reminder of the bond we shared.

Im remembering all of the endless conversations we had to come to this place.So beautiful and streamlined.When I’m with him I feel so complete. I am whole self.

Omission wasn’t in our paradigm script we wrote for each other.
Neither was infidelity

Neither was lack of careness

Neither was making each other feel this is conditional.

The indifference.

The deceptiveness.

The mess.

We both fell short.

This delusion behind it is great Yet the connection is stronger.

I just want to kiss and make up. You want your distance as if you had enough.I’m sad.My soulmate is missing in action.I really don’t know where to go next.Maybe he’ll come back to me 

Maybe not.

How do I move on? There are interested candidates.But I just want my one.The one that made me transform.

The one that let me in 

The one that made me feel like I will win

The one I will forever feel confident in 

The one I will always be in love with.
We took a chance on each other and now we have these days that feel long .My thoughts killing me.I’m not her I’m me.I’m sorry I wasn’t who you wanted me to be.I just love different.I thought my actions showed this.I thought you saw I would chose you regardless

I was never enough for you,

I kinda wish I never knew you,

But here we are here in this mess

This beautiful trash bag decorated in lies and mishaps.We could throw it out.Or we could recycle and leave our carbon footprint.

Honesty is the best policy.

Reaching our lovely highest point that we work so hard for, Instead of finding comfort in being reactionary.

I have questions. A lot of them.But I want to work on being more than my questions. I want to work on being more than my suspicions.I want to work on getting over the careless behaviors of this soulmate I feel deep down inside me.

I want to. 

I also want to be smart. I want to get up and live again.I want to stop crying.I want to feel alive.

Optimism is cool to have in times like this but the reality is too perilous to resist.So I’m left here in a dire need of clarity.Time heals and perhaps me moving on will be the best bet.I can’t sleep and eat and I don’t believe you care to know this.

I’m so confused.

This beautiful mess.I feel like I’m being played.Should I listen to discernment or should I listen to my heart? 

What a decision.

Please universe help me feel like a strong woman again.

Because this man you sent me absorb all of my energy. And I didn’t mind.Now I need to fend for me because he disappeared out of my life.I should of expected this since he is known for this.Yet I didn’t prepare properly for it.
This beautiful mess,

Show me what to do soon.I am qualified to be absolutely beautiful But these tears is revealing how weak I am.

I thought about him before me.I can’t even get him to call me anymore. I have to understand he might be gone for good. And yet I keep reaching out to him not getting the clue.This dependability is ridiculous.I lost myself in him and I’m looking to gain this back.

Please God show me what to do and soon.

I fell short now I’m alone with this soulmate that still has mine and ran with it without a care of how it would make me feel. 
When I always put his feelings before me.

To be there though thick and thin yet he decided he couldn’t be there at all.

This feeling is all too familiar. 

I am the circumstances I placed on myself.Maybe this is what he meant when he desired someone with self respect.

Now I choose to live again.With or without him.

To be strong again.With or without him.

To be free again.With or without him.

To know I am worthy of all things.To have a man come into my life and truly adore me enough to know he’ll love me to a unconditional level. To love to be intimate with me. To not place boundaries on what is true, to want to satisfy me In ways I’ll satisfy him, to be free in each other’s arms, to know he’s mine and not anyone else’s.To be primary and not feel like I’m second place.I’m worthy past this beautiful mess.

With or without you.

The world is a terrorist attack

Yemen car bombings to charleston deadly shootings

Our black race is under fire since like forever

Chlorine attacks in no fly zones and who suffers is our children 

Man I wanna cry

Damn I wanna save lives

Fucking Dominican Republic mindset feel like they gotta ethnic cleanse
Why are you so conformed?

Instead of being informed?

Aren’t you aware you are ruining lives?
This world is a terrorist attack.

And we have to just sit and watch when you don’t have the power.

The shit is sad.

 

In rotation 

Currently in rotation.You loving me and I’m loving him.

The wheels are turning, 

And nothing on it is getting reciprocated.

In this lifetime your not for me

In his life, I’m not for him.

Oh how these tables are turning,

Life is funny like this.

The same non reaction I give you

I receive it myself.

So in essence I feel your pain.

I just can’t be in your arms to console you.

There’s no chance for me to feel that empathy from the object of my affection.

So there you have it.

Emotions in rotation

Caring for those who don’t care back.

Not playing the cards we were dealt with,

Because we are too busy what hand the opponent has.

I’m starting to believe life is a game

The winner takes all

And while he wants to feel mine, I gracefully decline

Because I personally want to feel his heart beating next to mine.

But you personally want the same from someone else. 

The irony of this rotation.

We are all guilty of not settling for anything less than the best,

But the gamers play to win remember?