#feelings

What I saw is what I became.

The moon slightly new. The dawn coming soon, I see myself in the mirror and what I see is you.

I remember your gestures, right down to how you maneuver.Initially thought obscurity, you gently gave me a tour to your heart and how it’s shattered.

I went to your brain and saw how it’s assessed. I went to your spleen and saw the rage. you guided me to your darkness and I realized I didn’t pack a lunch. 

What I saw is what I became.Energy transference complete.You won I am defeated.With the greatest of psychedelic chemistry, you gave me your misery.I gladly took it with hopes I could see you shine like a mystic,Centerfold catalogs is where I saw you belong. 

my place in your life was to show you love is infinite. 

We both deserved each other.

Or perhaps it was preparation to induce more pain in you so you can heal properly.

Be one again.
Even the most ambitious must be aware some things are simply out of reach.I couldn’t get to you in time.

“Blame it on my youth.”

You slip out of my hands.No one caught me when I was falling off the ledge. You weren’t my savior yet you never intended to hurt me.

This end result is a hard laboring crime.
Up all night seeing our bodies intertwine in the dark as I mercifully watch my bed we made love in. “Where our souls danced.” The same bed you felt guilty in. The same bedding I drowned my tears in afraid that overdose was welcoming my death.

the death of a heaven sent union shattered by words and actions and pride and selfishness.

It didn’t have to be like this.But it is.

I ponder over numbers.I see soliloquies of the memories. I hear tale telling footsteps. I scream at the idiosyncrasies.

Yet and still you’ll be the one I would never understand. Until you uncover your belief in me. I can only dream you are marinating on the same thoughts.

Just as I still feel the deepest part of me tugging to be with you soon. 

 Another part is praying to never be in the likes of someone to use me as their crutch for self serving reasons.

Reasons and seasons.

Time is the illusion.

Let’s mind our mindfulness. 

To let go.

The subconscious facial expressions that I make that are you I must be aware of to dead away

To be on block 

a dead bird on the side of the road 

To be never looked back on

Yet it’s remembered by the lingers at the mere thought of it 

I must try to let go of the love that is embedded in my heart for you 

The soul snatching making me swoon 

Eye catching enchanted whispers you consume

Somehow I must say goodbye to you.

Even though I lay down next to you.

your memory lingers here 

you already had our story played out 

And I was placed in your unwanted list of unrealistic expectations. 

So I die.

Dying to tell you I need you

But pride killed that vibe 

I scrunched upon the pieces of myself in tulum 

Where I denied infliction 

I’m too strong to admit such atrocity

Yet aware of the affliction I placed on you.

Revenge wasn’t so sweet as I suspected.

I was left with the wherewithal of misery.

Hurt begets hurt.

Unresolved vulnerability lingers across the four walls I stare at.

The loss of a lover.
I don’t remember our last kiss.

I remember the feeling.

I hope I can only see through this.

To let go is where I will find my strength. 

Love at masterful heights

I came across a feeling so captivatingI came across a love so pure,

The innocence of resistance,the guilty pleasure of you.

I came across a love so involved.
Communication levels high and the Creator protecting our words.

The essence of letting your guard down is seen in your infinite eyes.

I came across an emotion so engulfed. I believe in the space that is provided for us to be ourselves.

This miraculously new feeling I never felt before, The same feeling I knew I needed my whole life.

So beloved. 
So streamlined,

So beautiful,

So free.

I came across you and these points I made doesn’t encapsulate the path I have found.
  

We all want to be found

As I see him sleeping,
So gracefully,

So full of his curiosity,

I wonder if my words resonated,

I want to know if he even cares to listen,

My friends say let it go,

He doesn’t care,

Yet my spirit says bring your healing 

hands to him, he might need them.

I don’t know.

That nebulous feeling of feeling 

unwanted.

Or not.

I’m not too sure, however I feel so lost 

when not in your presence.

To know this feeling is all you need.

It’s so forbidden,

It’s so unadulterated,

It’s so uncanny,

But in its inception, we both can’t deny

the feeling of wanting each other so 

bad,

That we do make paint dry,

We make the walls shake,

Look at me baby,

In my eyes is pure desire.

I want to satisfy you,

Please save me.

We all want to be found.

Barely there always air

A touch of air is all that’s really there
maybe you don’t understand your magnitude to be aware,
But the people u leave behind, their hearts are barely there,
Including mine.

I can’t say to stop the beautiful path you are on…
Because if I was brave enough to follow,
I want to leave footprints behind every walk you endured in a country unfamiliar so you’ll always know someone always has your back.
But let me not get too emotional.
We are taught to perform brain surgery on our feelings when we are at our worst.

I just want a positive outcome from our experience. But life gave you magma that even though it has the power to recreate, it’s still rock hard like the apathy you have adopted.

Your volatility meeting my stable calm.
My earthy senses gently feeling your air.

To just let go.

My emotional wreckage is set up like shiny new born babies coming down the birth canal squirming to get out yet the doctor states that the baby is breached.

My emotions are set up as if the ocean tides that are pulled by the sun gave way for the most rebellious surfer to try his hand at the great lengths this wave may take him only to find out he has to wait for the next one.

These tears keep falling down my face as if the past keeps repeating itself in vain and none of the hard work I put in to unlearn the pain and isolation of being seen and not heard was brought to life and as a result I feel like I can’t breathe. Suffocating into a revolting question mark.

And these words… These mere words I carry like a homeless person on 52nd and woodland holding on to their possessions; protecting it with their life knowing that this is all that they have and the memory of knowing that they had more channels an inner desire to make sure they’ll never let this bag go.

My heart. My heart succumbs to the devastation of men, men who I briefly see as an outlet yet to only later find out I just pick the ones who are designed and specializes in breaking the one organ I find life in.

So I hold my tongue. Afraid to be down to earth because my head is a space shuttle full of ambiguity that I’m sure no one could relate to because the jibbish dialect that tells my space cadet stories derives from being an offspring of a mother who rather smoke crack than take care of her 5 kids that all have different daddies. So I put myself in a state of reclusiveness knowing for sure no one will ever want to be be my friend yet alone wife up.

I’m currently alone in a bathroom, ass on the toilet hearing only the sound of me typing this and the air conditioner in the bedroom. And for the first time I can say I’m utterly sad.

Sad I never spoke up for myself. Sad I never had the courage to be the unique woman God has made me to be. Sad I was these different images that people wanted me to portray. Sad I never had the chance to properly tell the one person who truly love me goodbye. Sad I rely on the fictitious men to figure out my worth for me. Sad I can’t still come out of this shell I never knew even existed.

I just want to let go. Not die but fall off a bridge and fear nothing. Close my eyes and let everything just go.

Loving a Gemini

I just made love to a Gemini.
The same side where he showed the most affection and assist me to where my inhabitants were.
And I came the same time the rising sun was placed into the sky.
I just made love to the same face of a Gemini that found where my sweet spot was,
The same side that took time to find what made my soul tick,
He looked me in my eyes and told me it was ok to feel free.

After it was all said and done, he gently laid on my chest.
As if it felt like I had a leg up on all the rest,
His one hundredth and one.
But then he put his clothes on and asked me if he should lock the door behind him.
That’s when I knew this was another side I should of coached myself to.
He’ll be looking in his rear view mirror to see if there is any residue of the love we have just ensued,
And go home and hug his wife under the covers like he was never mine.
In the meantime he has me and her crying and dying simultaneously for his time.
Not knowing we both want the same thing, we carry on this lie.
Lying to ourselves that the next time it will be different,
Knowing fully well that this is what we have accepted.
Only difference is she is his.
I am no ones.
I come alone even if he is in me, so there’s no innate intimacy.
Because I just made love to a Gemini.
The same guy that has two sides,
The same guy that continually makes my heart ache for him,
So I will sit in this room and hope he hears my cries.