#feelings

When sisterhood are homes…

Dreaming of a home that was through a true friendship

A sisterhood

A safe place

Where you can be real with yourself,

To each other.

Judging each other character flaws

The ugly truths expose.

It’s cool because no one is perfect

And you know this friend wouldn’t dare use you in vain.

Their words are important to you

So you gently listen to them

Correcting them for the intent for them to grow

Never diminishing.

A true home where you know they are there walking beside you through it all.

A forgiving home.

A place where apologies is like the ocean.

Full of fluidity and energy behind our sorry’s,

Because we genuinely mean it and recognize when we have hurt each other.

A home where you are supported.

You are watered here like a flower because true love would never dare hurt you.

A friendship that’ll last not because you have common interest, but your soul recognize theirs.

Then I woke up.

I look around and I see selfish self intended love…

Friends who only hit you up when they need something,

Friends who can’t keep their word,

Friends who don’t support you when you need it the most,

Sisters who only care about their self.

I walk around and see friends that don’t talk for years and a honest conversation could mend their brokenness.

I saw greed that broke friendships apart realizing how money is truly the root that was dug up and a sisterhood bond turning brown ready to die.

I saw through space and time a beautiful home being broken apart because they have changed in a way where they don’t recognize each other any more…

I feel the loneliness and sorrow of friends being tore apart,

The ones you need you don’t have anymore.

They say it gets better with time, they say just forget about them,

But when you lose a friend that feels like home,

Nothing is a win.

Living on and trusting the universe it happened for a reason,

Hoping your days will get better.

For now the homelessness feels bitterness towards them,

How dare them you say.

The betrayal feels so real.

But the part we all forget is…

Did you see why they feel the way they do?

Did you receive a different perspective?

Did you let the water run dry when you could have led them to a river?

Was sorry too hard for you to say because you don’t like to realize your own wrongdoing?

Whether I was dreaming or whether I am awake nothing feels more painful than losing a home you thought was build on solid ground.

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The cause and effect.

Oh how did I forget to put the honey on the womb that was the atonement to your aliveness? Your spliced solace 

Combined like terms

And you get I.

With you it was a mistake gone right.

A cold case found 

A rebound

Rebooting the hard drive we thought it was the sound.

It was.

Our truths not told so it was heard in third parties,

Lowly is the man who has nobody.

Friends forever broken down,

passion ignited was the beginning of the end to a union that was suppose to last forever.

Our forever was momentarily infinite.

Parasites to the mental capacity to see beyond our way of thinking left us like this.

 Creative mind ceased,

Yet the memory keeps the juices flowing.

Finding love in a hopeless place put me in a position to be truly loved.

To know what it felt like.

Life ain’t so easy as they say 

And situations ain’t so stationary as envoys 

I was employed

To invite you to a branch of lighthearted comfort and familiarity.

You served as an editor of what Self worth meant to me,

I see the God in me,

All thanks to you.

Appreciation is an understatement 

I appreciate this current present.

To love and be loved so perfectly aligned 

I never could of dream of such sweetness.

The cause and effect. 

Going through the dark to see the light.

You made it all possible.

I thank you for your wisdom.

What I saw is what I became.

The moon slightly new. The dawn coming soon, I see myself in the mirror and what I see is you.

I remember your gestures, right down to how you maneuver.Initially thought obscurity, you gently gave me a tour to your heart and how it’s shattered.

I went to your brain and saw how it’s assessed. I went to your spleen and saw the rage. you guided me to your darkness and I realized I didn’t pack a lunch. 

What I saw is what I became.Energy transference complete.You won I am defeated.With the greatest of psychedelic chemistry, you gave me your misery.I gladly took it with hopes I could see you shine like a mystic,Centerfold catalogs is where I saw you belong. 

my place in your life was to show you love is infinite. 

We both deserved each other.

Or perhaps it was preparation to induce more pain in you so you can heal properly.

Be one again.
Even the most ambitious must be aware some things are simply out of reach.I couldn’t get to you in time.

“Blame it on my youth.”

You slip out of my hands.No one caught me when I was falling off the ledge. You weren’t my savior yet you never intended to hurt me.

This end result is a hard laboring crime.
Up all night seeing our bodies intertwine in the dark as I mercifully watch my bed we made love in. “Where our souls danced.” The same bed you felt guilty in. The same bedding I drowned my tears in afraid that overdose was welcoming my death.

the death of a heaven sent union shattered by words and actions and pride and selfishness.

It didn’t have to be like this.But it is.

I ponder over numbers.I see soliloquies of the memories. I hear tale telling footsteps. I scream at the idiosyncrasies.

Yet and still you’ll be the one I would never understand. Until you uncover your belief in me. I can only dream you are marinating on the same thoughts.

Just as I still feel the deepest part of me tugging to be with you soon. 

 Another part is praying to never be in the likes of someone to use me as their crutch for self serving reasons.

Reasons and seasons.

Time is the illusion.

Let’s mind our mindfulness. 

To let go.

The subconscious facial expressions that I make that are you I must be aware of to dead away

To be on block 

a dead bird on the side of the road 

To be never looked back on

Yet it’s remembered by the lingers at the mere thought of it 

I must try to let go of the love that is embedded in my heart for you 

The soul snatching making me swoon 

Eye catching enchanted whispers you consume

Somehow I must say goodbye to you.

Even though I lay down next to you.

your memory lingers here 

you already had our story played out 

And I was placed in your unwanted list of unrealistic expectations. 

So I die.

Dying to tell you I need you

But pride killed that vibe 

I scrunched upon the pieces of myself in tulum 

Where I denied infliction 

I’m too strong to admit such atrocity

Yet aware of the affliction I placed on you.

Revenge wasn’t so sweet as I suspected.

I was left with the wherewithal of misery.

Hurt begets hurt.

Unresolved vulnerability lingers across the four walls I stare at.

The loss of a lover.
I don’t remember our last kiss.

I remember the feeling.

I hope I can only see through this.

To let go is where I will find my strength. 

Love at masterful heights

I came across a feeling so captivatingI came across a love so pure,

The innocence of resistance,the guilty pleasure of you.

I came across a love so involved.
Communication levels high and the Creator protecting our words.

The essence of letting your guard down is seen in your infinite eyes.

I came across an emotion so engulfed. I believe in the space that is provided for us to be ourselves.

This miraculously new feeling I never felt before, The same feeling I knew I needed my whole life.

So beloved. 
So streamlined,

So beautiful,

So free.

I came across you and these points I made doesn’t encapsulate the path I have found.
  

We all want to be found

As I see him sleeping,
So gracefully,

So full of his curiosity,

I wonder if my words resonated,

I want to know if he even cares to listen,

My friends say let it go,

He doesn’t care,

Yet my spirit says bring your healing 

hands to him, he might need them.

I don’t know.

That nebulous feeling of feeling 

unwanted.

Or not.

I’m not too sure, however I feel so lost 

when not in your presence.

To know this feeling is all you need.

It’s so forbidden,

It’s so unadulterated,

It’s so uncanny,

But in its inception, we both can’t deny

the feeling of wanting each other so 

bad,

That we do make paint dry,

We make the walls shake,

Look at me baby,

In my eyes is pure desire.

I want to satisfy you,

Please save me.

We all want to be found.

Barely there always air

A touch of air is all that’s really there
maybe you don’t understand your magnitude to be aware,
But the people u leave behind, their hearts are barely there,
Including mine.

I can’t say to stop the beautiful path you are on…
Because if I was brave enough to follow,
I want to leave footprints behind every walk you endured in a country unfamiliar so you’ll always know someone always has your back.
But let me not get too emotional.
We are taught to perform brain surgery on our feelings when we are at our worst.

I just want a positive outcome from our experience. But life gave you magma that even though it has the power to recreate, it’s still rock hard like the apathy you have adopted.

Your volatility meeting my stable calm.
My earthy senses gently feeling your air.