#forgiveness

A beautiful nightmare 

Now I’m searching something deeper than us

This plague you gave me to bear with you I freely obliged.

I thought that’s what love did.

I wanted to make you see the light

To help you with your inner peace

To be a listening ear when you need to talk 

To be your housing authority when you find you couldn’t go back home

A place we want to call love 

I’m being mistreated as a sacrifice for what’s greater

I’m hurting myself because your hurting yourself

I was a void you tried to fill

All along I was filling a void in your life

This wasn’t healthy to begin with.

Maybe we should have saw this coming 

Maybe we should have taken it slower

But now we are here and we have no hold on what’s tomorrow

This pain is so real.

I mean my nerves are rattling 

Running for my life on the treadmill

as if I need to get away from here

I need you so bad and I am so sorry for the words I’ve said 

I never meant to hurt you

I say things out of misery 

I need you to understand this 

I became addicted and you became missing 

So I filed a missing persons report then you call me to tell me your fine.

So how was it I wasn’t suppose to lose my mind?! 

You come and go as you please

And I’m sitting here on my knees 

Dying.

Crying .

You don’t understand what grief is until you inflict it on someone else

And I’m the one who is selfish.

What happen to us? 

There’s no words to describe this feeling so let me make an analogy.

You know how flowers grow?

Sunlight and water is all that they need to proposer. 

No additives such as promised futures and expected tomorrows 

Just water and sunlight.

Why couldn’t we be that?

We knew that…

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God forgive me for being lost

I’m addicted to the pain,
I’m convinced.
Wondering why I am attracted to the ones who doesn’t want to explore my mind but my body is optional for them.

I pick these men of valor who takes pride in what they have as their queen on their arm.
Yet I’m starting to feel like the peasant that they play with, throw crumbs at, and laugh to the sanctions of how naive she must is.

But in reality (in mine that is) I just love love.
Love the connection that intertwine two souls that become one,
Spiritual bonds as our temples are being explored.
I’m not sure if that’s the dictionary version of saying she’s gullible but I do know I’m feeling pretty restless.

When is it my turn to feel the undeniable touch of a person who desires forever with me?
More importantly, why must my internal state feel so lost without it?
Stevie wonder plays the soundtrack of my soul and yet I live a reality of being constantly turned down by the one I want to give my heart to.
Feeling overjoyed until I’m back where I started.
The plot is continuously congruent.
Where must I change at?
Where do I start?

God forgive me for being so lost.