#heart

When sisterhood are homes…

Dreaming of a home that was through a true friendship

A sisterhood

A safe place

Where you can be real with yourself,

To each other.

Judging each other character flaws

The ugly truths expose.

It’s cool because no one is perfect

And you know this friend wouldn’t dare use you in vain.

Their words are important to you

So you gently listen to them

Correcting them for the intent for them to grow

Never diminishing.

A true home where you know they are there walking beside you through it all.

A forgiving home.

A place where apologies is like the ocean.

Full of fluidity and energy behind our sorry’s,

Because we genuinely mean it and recognize when we have hurt each other.

A home where you are supported.

You are watered here like a flower because true love would never dare hurt you.

A friendship that’ll last not because you have common interest, but your soul recognize theirs.

Then I woke up.

I look around and I see selfish self intended love…

Friends who only hit you up when they need something,

Friends who can’t keep their word,

Friends who don’t support you when you need it the most,

Sisters who only care about their self.

I walk around and see friends that don’t talk for years and a honest conversation could mend their brokenness.

I saw greed that broke friendships apart realizing how money is truly the root that was dug up and a sisterhood bond turning brown ready to die.

I saw through space and time a beautiful home being broken apart because they have changed in a way where they don’t recognize each other any more…

I feel the loneliness and sorrow of friends being tore apart,

The ones you need you don’t have anymore.

They say it gets better with time, they say just forget about them,

But when you lose a friend that feels like home,

Nothing is a win.

Living on and trusting the universe it happened for a reason,

Hoping your days will get better.

For now the homelessness feels bitterness towards them,

How dare them you say.

The betrayal feels so real.

But the part we all forget is…

Did you see why they feel the way they do?

Did you receive a different perspective?

Did you let the water run dry when you could have led them to a river?

Was sorry too hard for you to say because you don’t like to realize your own wrongdoing?

Whether I was dreaming or whether I am awake nothing feels more painful than losing a home you thought was build on solid ground.

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The cause and effect.

Oh how did I forget to put the honey on the womb that was the atonement to your aliveness? Your spliced solace 

Combined like terms

And you get I.

With you it was a mistake gone right.

A cold case found 

A rebound

Rebooting the hard drive we thought it was the sound.

It was.

Our truths not told so it was heard in third parties,

Lowly is the man who has nobody.

Friends forever broken down,

passion ignited was the beginning of the end to a union that was suppose to last forever.

Our forever was momentarily infinite.

Parasites to the mental capacity to see beyond our way of thinking left us like this.

 Creative mind ceased,

Yet the memory keeps the juices flowing.

Finding love in a hopeless place put me in a position to be truly loved.

To know what it felt like.

Life ain’t so easy as they say 

And situations ain’t so stationary as envoys 

I was employed

To invite you to a branch of lighthearted comfort and familiarity.

You served as an editor of what Self worth meant to me,

I see the God in me,

All thanks to you.

Appreciation is an understatement 

I appreciate this current present.

To love and be loved so perfectly aligned 

I never could of dream of such sweetness.

The cause and effect. 

Going through the dark to see the light.

You made it all possible.

I thank you for your wisdom.

To just let go.

My emotional wreckage is set up like shiny new born babies coming down the birth canal squirming to get out yet the doctor states that the baby is breached.

My emotions are set up as if the ocean tides that are pulled by the sun gave way for the most rebellious surfer to try his hand at the great lengths this wave may take him only to find out he has to wait for the next one.

These tears keep falling down my face as if the past keeps repeating itself in vain and none of the hard work I put in to unlearn the pain and isolation of being seen and not heard was brought to life and as a result I feel like I can’t breathe. Suffocating into a revolting question mark.

And these words… These mere words I carry like a homeless person on 52nd and woodland holding on to their possessions; protecting it with their life knowing that this is all that they have and the memory of knowing that they had more channels an inner desire to make sure they’ll never let this bag go.

My heart. My heart succumbs to the devastation of men, men who I briefly see as an outlet yet to only later find out I just pick the ones who are designed and specializes in breaking the one organ I find life in.

So I hold my tongue. Afraid to be down to earth because my head is a space shuttle full of ambiguity that I’m sure no one could relate to because the jibbish dialect that tells my space cadet stories derives from being an offspring of a mother who rather smoke crack than take care of her 5 kids that all have different daddies. So I put myself in a state of reclusiveness knowing for sure no one will ever want to be be my friend yet alone wife up.

I’m currently alone in a bathroom, ass on the toilet hearing only the sound of me typing this and the air conditioner in the bedroom. And for the first time I can say I’m utterly sad.

Sad I never spoke up for myself. Sad I never had the courage to be the unique woman God has made me to be. Sad I was these different images that people wanted me to portray. Sad I never had the chance to properly tell the one person who truly love me goodbye. Sad I rely on the fictitious men to figure out my worth for me. Sad I can’t still come out of this shell I never knew even existed.

I just want to let go. Not die but fall off a bridge and fear nothing. Close my eyes and let everything just go.

The cries of horror

Can’t cry because tears are made for the incompetent
What once was isn’t
We act like strangers and I have no control over the wails that are simultaneously overwhelming.
In front of you I play the tough guy role,
However, underneath the womb lies vulnerability.
And I become stagnant.
Believing this will change and you’ll find your way back,
but you told me what time it is.
And the ground shakes.
This earthquake has demolish my soul.
I wish the death of favor on you.
I have harden my heart.
There’s so much tension between us, you can sharpen your saw.
My life is tirelessly moving forward with the heartache of a liar.
You lied to me.
You said we were soulmates.
No more sweet songs for me.
You have move on to the next.
And I lie in this blood of horror.

Suppression of a daddy’s girl.

When you wake up from the state of suppression you become a part of the realization that he is gone.

Warping my heart around that was just as hard as writing this down.

I still remember the days where I was held all day by you while looking at the price is right.
I look up as I was being fed my bottle and you smiling down on me. Seems like yesterday.

I remember love.

A definitive love so profound, a love a father has for his child.