#letgo

The cause and effect.

Oh how did I forget to put the honey on the womb that was the atonement to your aliveness? Your spliced solace 

Combined like terms

And you get I.

With you it was a mistake gone right.

A cold case found 

A rebound

Rebooting the hard drive we thought it was the sound.

It was.

Our truths not told so it was heard in third parties,

Lowly is the man who has nobody.

Friends forever broken down,

passion ignited was the beginning of the end to a union that was suppose to last forever.

Our forever was momentarily infinite.

Parasites to the mental capacity to see beyond our way of thinking left us like this.

 Creative mind ceased,

Yet the memory keeps the juices flowing.

Finding love in a hopeless place put me in a position to be truly loved.

To know what it felt like.

Life ain’t so easy as they say 

And situations ain’t so stationary as envoys 

I was employed

To invite you to a branch of lighthearted comfort and familiarity.

You served as an editor of what Self worth meant to me,

I see the God in me,

All thanks to you.

Appreciation is an understatement 

I appreciate this current present.

To love and be loved so perfectly aligned 

I never could of dream of such sweetness.

The cause and effect. 

Going through the dark to see the light.

You made it all possible.

I thank you for your wisdom.

Advertisements

To just let go.

My emotional wreckage is set up like shiny new born babies coming down the birth canal squirming to get out yet the doctor states that the baby is breached.

My emotions are set up as if the ocean tides that are pulled by the sun gave way for the most rebellious surfer to try his hand at the great lengths this wave may take him only to find out he has to wait for the next one.

These tears keep falling down my face as if the past keeps repeating itself in vain and none of the hard work I put in to unlearn the pain and isolation of being seen and not heard was brought to life and as a result I feel like I can’t breathe. Suffocating into a revolting question mark.

And these words… These mere words I carry like a homeless person on 52nd and woodland holding on to their possessions; protecting it with their life knowing that this is all that they have and the memory of knowing that they had more channels an inner desire to make sure they’ll never let this bag go.

My heart. My heart succumbs to the devastation of men, men who I briefly see as an outlet yet to only later find out I just pick the ones who are designed and specializes in breaking the one organ I find life in.

So I hold my tongue. Afraid to be down to earth because my head is a space shuttle full of ambiguity that I’m sure no one could relate to because the jibbish dialect that tells my space cadet stories derives from being an offspring of a mother who rather smoke crack than take care of her 5 kids that all have different daddies. So I put myself in a state of reclusiveness knowing for sure no one will ever want to be be my friend yet alone wife up.

I’m currently alone in a bathroom, ass on the toilet hearing only the sound of me typing this and the air conditioner in the bedroom. And for the first time I can say I’m utterly sad.

Sad I never spoke up for myself. Sad I never had the courage to be the unique woman God has made me to be. Sad I was these different images that people wanted me to portray. Sad I never had the chance to properly tell the one person who truly love me goodbye. Sad I rely on the fictitious men to figure out my worth for me. Sad I can’t still come out of this shell I never knew even existed.

I just want to let go. Not die but fall off a bridge and fear nothing. Close my eyes and let everything just go.

A penny for my thoughts.

A penny for my thoughts….
Is the monetary fund you gave me…
Meanwhile I’m rationally thinking…
Or so I thought.
I’m sitting here, confusing myself.
Not understanding why I couldn’t just be myself…
And just be with you.
Listening to ppl who isn’t feeling how I feel.
I didn’t even give you a chance to make me feel.
I guess it was too real.
I guess these scars on my heart still aren’t healed.
Maybe I just needed you near.
Your situation doesn’t make me feel secure.
I just needed to think about this more…
But these penny thoughts had me thinking maybe I’m being played so I wasn’t quite sure….
You told me she stays with you
And saw a flashback of the inevitable future.
Something like the Alpha and Omega would predict our nurture.
I forecast your inveiglement.
But I’m not a weatherman and now I’m left with these sculptures.
Picturesque paintings you so openly gave me that is life before our very eyes only for a weekend.
You breathed me.
I fucking can’t believe this.
You showed me forever with no wristband.
like a child drawing heart shapes in the sand.
And I so casually withdrew my hand.
So where does that leave me?
fucked up sitting here trying to count these pennies for my thoughts…
I just lost out on something that truly made me happy for once in my life.
Or so I thought.
I didn’t allow you to even get a chance to show me what true intimacy was…
My thoughts needed an indenture for you to sign.
The fuck was I thinking?
But you gave me a penny for my thoughts…
And it just hit me….
That all these thoughts don’t mean shit when your thinking is naught.
Pennies for these nothing thoughts and I just missed out on a love that would have maybe brought clarity to my heart.