#lost

When sisterhood are homes…

Dreaming of a home that was through a true friendship

A sisterhood

A safe place

Where you can be real with yourself,

To each other.

Judging each other character flaws

The ugly truths expose.

It’s cool because no one is perfect

And you know this friend wouldn’t dare use you in vain.

Their words are important to you

So you gently listen to them

Correcting them for the intent for them to grow

Never diminishing.

A true home where you know they are there walking beside you through it all.

A forgiving home.

A place where apologies is like the ocean.

Full of fluidity and energy behind our sorry’s,

Because we genuinely mean it and recognize when we have hurt each other.

A home where you are supported.

You are watered here like a flower because true love would never dare hurt you.

A friendship that’ll last not because you have common interest, but your soul recognize theirs.

Then I woke up.

I look around and I see selfish self intended love…

Friends who only hit you up when they need something,

Friends who can’t keep their word,

Friends who don’t support you when you need it the most,

Sisters who only care about their self.

I walk around and see friends that don’t talk for years and a honest conversation could mend their brokenness.

I saw greed that broke friendships apart realizing how money is truly the root that was dug up and a sisterhood bond turning brown ready to die.

I saw through space and time a beautiful home being broken apart because they have changed in a way where they don’t recognize each other any more…

I feel the loneliness and sorrow of friends being tore apart,

The ones you need you don’t have anymore.

They say it gets better with time, they say just forget about them,

But when you lose a friend that feels like home,

Nothing is a win.

Living on and trusting the universe it happened for a reason,

Hoping your days will get better.

For now the homelessness feels bitterness towards them,

How dare them you say.

The betrayal feels so real.

But the part we all forget is…

Did you see why they feel the way they do?

Did you receive a different perspective?

Did you let the water run dry when you could have led them to a river?

Was sorry too hard for you to say because you don’t like to realize your own wrongdoing?

Whether I was dreaming or whether I am awake nothing feels more painful than losing a home you thought was build on solid ground.

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The cause and effect.

Oh how did I forget to put the honey on the womb that was the atonement to your aliveness? Your spliced solace 

Combined like terms

And you get I.

With you it was a mistake gone right.

A cold case found 

A rebound

Rebooting the hard drive we thought it was the sound.

It was.

Our truths not told so it was heard in third parties,

Lowly is the man who has nobody.

Friends forever broken down,

passion ignited was the beginning of the end to a union that was suppose to last forever.

Our forever was momentarily infinite.

Parasites to the mental capacity to see beyond our way of thinking left us like this.

 Creative mind ceased,

Yet the memory keeps the juices flowing.

Finding love in a hopeless place put me in a position to be truly loved.

To know what it felt like.

Life ain’t so easy as they say 

And situations ain’t so stationary as envoys 

I was employed

To invite you to a branch of lighthearted comfort and familiarity.

You served as an editor of what Self worth meant to me,

I see the God in me,

All thanks to you.

Appreciation is an understatement 

I appreciate this current present.

To love and be loved so perfectly aligned 

I never could of dream of such sweetness.

The cause and effect. 

Going through the dark to see the light.

You made it all possible.

I thank you for your wisdom.

A beautiful nightmare 

Now I’m searching something deeper than us

This plague you gave me to bear with you I freely obliged.

I thought that’s what love did.

I wanted to make you see the light

To help you with your inner peace

To be a listening ear when you need to talk 

To be your housing authority when you find you couldn’t go back home

A place we want to call love 

I’m being mistreated as a sacrifice for what’s greater

I’m hurting myself because your hurting yourself

I was a void you tried to fill

All along I was filling a void in your life

This wasn’t healthy to begin with.

Maybe we should have saw this coming 

Maybe we should have taken it slower

But now we are here and we have no hold on what’s tomorrow

This pain is so real.

I mean my nerves are rattling 

Running for my life on the treadmill

as if I need to get away from here

I need you so bad and I am so sorry for the words I’ve said 

I never meant to hurt you

I say things out of misery 

I need you to understand this 

I became addicted and you became missing 

So I filed a missing persons report then you call me to tell me your fine.

So how was it I wasn’t suppose to lose my mind?! 

You come and go as you please

And I’m sitting here on my knees 

Dying.

Crying .

You don’t understand what grief is until you inflict it on someone else

And I’m the one who is selfish.

What happen to us? 

There’s no words to describe this feeling so let me make an analogy.

You know how flowers grow?

Sunlight and water is all that they need to proposer. 

No additives such as promised futures and expected tomorrows 

Just water and sunlight.

Why couldn’t we be that?

We knew that…

What a devastating  tragedy 

:: the greatest thing I knew turned into the most common thing i see.

God forgive me for being lost

I’m addicted to the pain,
I’m convinced.
Wondering why I am attracted to the ones who doesn’t want to explore my mind but my body is optional for them.

I pick these men of valor who takes pride in what they have as their queen on their arm.
Yet I’m starting to feel like the peasant that they play with, throw crumbs at, and laugh to the sanctions of how naive she must is.

But in reality (in mine that is) I just love love.
Love the connection that intertwine two souls that become one,
Spiritual bonds as our temples are being explored.
I’m not sure if that’s the dictionary version of saying she’s gullible but I do know I’m feeling pretty restless.

When is it my turn to feel the undeniable touch of a person who desires forever with me?
More importantly, why must my internal state feel so lost without it?
Stevie wonder plays the soundtrack of my soul and yet I live a reality of being constantly turned down by the one I want to give my heart to.
Feeling overjoyed until I’m back where I started.
The plot is continuously congruent.
Where must I change at?
Where do I start?

God forgive me for being so lost.

Such dichotomy…

The dichotomy of your beliefs
doesn’t really add up to me,
It ain’t like your kisses make me weak,
Or when you look at me I see the North Star leading us to freedom,
Or if I’m in love with the small things,
simple things like keeping yourself immaculately neat.
And how your so sweet,
That the chocolate you engulf in
Is just a treat…

Guess I’m a false dichotomy of how I view this.
Maybe I’m so angry I’m not your leading lady,
But having the supporting role,
We can only reminisce
On how I’m addicted to your forehead kiss.
Of how I lied to you saying I was ready for such a journey when I really wasn’t.
Guess Im just a mirror of you…
A dichotomy…
Such dichotomous views from 2 lost souls wanting to call a truce,
I’m not sure how you feel
But I feel lost.
Without you that is.
Such dichotomy….
We neither want to give up security for freedom and now we deserve neither.
Risk it all or risk either.
And as I fall deeper,
I know what I have to do,
Love it or leave it alone.

You continue to bottle up your feelings because trust isn’t build,
And I feel the same damn way.
Looking in the mirror I see how I have grown to love me,
And it was because of you.

It is however unfortunate,
That I was misguided by your dichotomous viewpoints.
Walking contradictions
that we don’t practice what we preach…
Let’s start practicing it with me.

I know there’s promise in tomorrow when you can see the shadows of the stars in the dead sea.

See faith is the key.

Why can’t you accept my situation when you want me to accept yours?
According to you,
Playing with hearts isn’t a nice thing to do.
And when that’s obviously true,
What the hell do you think it is that you do?

Such dichotomous ill- normalities going on,
As I lay here feeling fucking scorned.
I thought we could be each other’s escape,
What happened?
You listen to reply,
As I try to understand you.
Are you playing me?
Or am I just too naive to see what love means?

Through all of these neither and nors, this and that’s, right and wrongs,
I know what I know.
Yet your pop up discretionary sessions gives way to my softer side.

But it’s a cruel world.
No time to fall in love.
Time is money, safe guarding ourselves is the new ‘it’ thing to do.
Not taking the risks associated when you feel like you have found the one.
People make time for what they want though…
and I always wanted to know from you if that want was me.

Such dichotomy…

Lost in love

Where am I going?
How did I get here?
What was the destination again?
How did I allow this?
The sublime messages I couldn’t read..
But you know I am a skimmer.
And while you undress me,
My skin is getting thinner.
This journey is ambiguous.
Where did this road lead me?
You keep me in tune but now I’m
my own melody.