#writing

The cause and effect.

Oh how did I forget to put the honey on the womb that was the atonement to your aliveness? Your spliced solace 

Combined like terms

And you get I.

With you it was a mistake gone right.

A cold case found 

A rebound

Rebooting the hard drive we thought it was the sound.

It was.

Our truths not told so it was heard in third parties,

Lowly is the man who has nobody.

Friends forever broken down,

passion ignited was the beginning of the end to a union that was suppose to last forever.

Our forever was momentarily infinite.

Parasites to the mental capacity to see beyond our way of thinking left us like this.

 Creative mind ceased,

Yet the memory keeps the juices flowing.

Finding love in a hopeless place put me in a position to be truly loved.

To know what it felt like.

Life ain’t so easy as they say 

And situations ain’t so stationary as envoys 

I was employed

To invite you to a branch of lighthearted comfort and familiarity.

You served as an editor of what Self worth meant to me,

I see the God in me,

All thanks to you.

Appreciation is an understatement 

I appreciate this current present.

To love and be loved so perfectly aligned 

I never could of dream of such sweetness.

The cause and effect. 

Going through the dark to see the light.

You made it all possible.

I thank you for your wisdom.

Advertisements

The mastermind behind her lost eyes.

The pain is palpable Her solar plexus tied in knots,every time she eats, she rots.

Waiting for the moment you call her again, and want to start where they had stop.

The anxiety of losing you causes friction to her feet, not able to move forward because it feels as if you took her ability to seek.

You didn’t come with a disclaimer,

She assumes she ignored the signs, 

she rationalized your emotional abuse as mishaps in your life and she still gave you her light to shine.

Seven months celibate until she gave you her center.She thought someone like you was worthy so she happily followed your obsequious mind. 

she also gave you her precious time.

She lost a lot of it waiting to hear from you so she can be commenced in hearing your sweet lullabies.

She always believed him. He was who he said he was. You made her feel like this was a forever type thing.

Why doubt it when you felt it too? 

She can’t force you to see it but let’s get to the clues.

She ride for hers and it’s perceived as crazy.You went missing every now and then on her as if she never existed.

Two different ways for preservation but here’s the catch:you ran from love and she dived in it.

While intently listening to your dream on January 31st,  words told to her that said she wasn’t never going to be ‘real’ enough,  
You knew something realer that watched over you, Your first. 

Words that shattered her back bone. Words that made her hide from her ghosts. Realizing she could never make him into a home. Because he longed for it in other ways.

He killed her vibe.

And from that day on, little did he know she internally felt like she died. The mastermind behind her lost eyes.
The man of her dreams,

Her knight and shining armor sliced her in half.  

Nothing right or wrong could be good enough or wrong enough. 

straws that broke the camels back,right in the middle of them building. 

But she swallowed your sword because she knew idioms were fixed expressions. 

She looked into a magnifying glass to see if she did in fact hurt the one who administered the flu shot of misery that killed her slowly.
You found peace in forgetting about her as she found peace in faith.

Two different people but they are both broken.Why you put her through this?Why did she put herself through this? 

She wonders if this was love for him or an escape route. 

When you first saw her what did you think? Lets give her all of my burdens so she can be responsible in sorting them out. 

And even through such an impossible task, 

She tried to be Superman for him and do as such but she really was just a Jane Gray. 

Not knowing her own mutant power was activated in telekinesis. Or rather psychokinesis…

Mind over matter, as she knew you were damaged, she takes blame in dying twice while under your condolences. 

Or rather your control. 

She felt a competition going on she didn’t realize she even entered.
It broke her knowing she was never gonna be what you wanted her to be. 

You didn’t accept her. This is how you made her feel.

She settled in being a consolation prize.
Knowing she’ll be 2nd place at all times.

Why couldn’t this stay platonic…where friendships can never be broken.

She remembers countless nights of not sleeping at all because she didn’t want to miss your call,

She filled your life up with sending her love through poetry, gifts, thoughtful gestures to show you how much she cared.

You made her evolve and transcended her into womanhood.

What gift more beautiful to be exalted for? Through it all, she was blessed to have such an experience.

You didn’t feel the same with her so you left her to dry out in the sun.
And she becomes undone.

She then became a Lucy that burns in the hearts of man. She started to hate the evilness of liars. Transparent enough?

Well lets get descriptive.

Through those advantageous attempts in wanting you to see her, the real her that was exclusively for you,

she lost an ear.

So she couldn’t hear.

She couldn’t hear what you were saying and it simply said: you’ll never be what my wife is to me. You’ll never be what I already had.

She lies in the corner crying at night seeing visuals of your words hanging on her heart.

She thought less of herself.

Even when you called her a queen.

Actions speaking louder than words.

But God made her no quitter so she scattered your words and tried to make a puzzle.

While doing this she lost her sebaceous gland.

Her shine went missing.

Losing herself in you.

She didn’t know what she could do.

She kept giving you more of what she knew was true: me.

Then what she thought was her new found holy trinity came before me and said upon to me set yourself free because you are not what I need.

A womb that was stabbed. 

The black woman disrespected again. 

Words that she knew were coming because you once showed your conditionality when you once told her to rest in peace to the day you cared. 

 She had faith and it failed her. 

Now as a losing battle she tried many attempts at reaching out only to have made her lose all sense of self in the process.

Tuned into this thing called insanity or maybe a plea agreement. Whichever you can believe, it left her feeling utterly embarrassed,

and confused,

and disgusting,

and completely lost.

A beautiful Love story gone bad because they didn’t sustain to be friends first. Rushing into something that desperately needed time to go through Photosynthesis to have it flourish.
Why must we want what we want now and right away? 
Why couldn’t they see this kind of thing is not for everybody? 

Didn’t they see how rare their bond was ?

Why didn’t you see the free spirited beauty in her that you’ve now finally found and flew away with?

Why couldn’t she see you as a blueprint?Something to navigate and get accustomed to. 

Be still saith the lord and great things will prosper from this.Why were they so anxious? 

Restart buttons are for the shrewd and beloved. The ones we think aren’t tainted with but they must of knew that the truth never sets no one free.

Why can’t ppl say sorry for their mistakes instead of throwing their cards in? 
Why leave when it was so great within.

Reaching out as if she is saying to you “et tu brute?” while you’ve thrown a dagger into her back you’ve already damaged each time she reached out and was given a non response.

Friends. How many of us have them? 
All of life’s opportunities and she is given these monochromic items. Nothing excites her no more.
You were her cirque du soleil. 

Just like how you cut her in half, why can’t you use that energy and put her back together again?

Only you can do this. 

The billy jeans you said that were not your lover became 5am booty calls you thought she wasn’t aware of.

As she used her higher self to pull herself through the betrayal of unconditional love,
She bathed in a thousand words over the androgynous voice she carries in her spirit that were painted white to purify her again. 

Attempting to find a balance again. 

She meditated so heavily, she saw the hues of the universe intermixing with the sound of light on her balcony at the crack of dawn.

She prayed so furiously, she saw God bypass her as if the wind spoke to her and whispered ‘i am also real’

She thought so hard of you every morning, she rearranged the reality so her ideals were still in tact.

But through all of this, She wakes up empty.Just like you perhaps feel.You gave her your hole in your heart. 

While she was getting use to her soul dancing that was in perfect alignment with yours that others found rather esoteric, little did they know we had found love in a hopeless place. 
Now she just want to shine again. You took a piece of her and that’s fine. Have that piece teach you about reconciliation and hope.About how the most beautiful heart found yours. 

Hopefully that piece you stole from her morphed into a liaise so they then can have the greatest understanding for one another. 

Until then. Resentment fills the airways. She wants to hate you so bad so she use euphemisms to disguise how much she regret meeting you. 

Then she laugh at yourself fully aware you were the best tragedy that could of ever happen to her. She wouldn’t take back a thing but the pieces you both were missing: patience.

Time could of move them forward but everything was considered abuse to him. 

What bad luck huh. 

On the flip side

On the flipside,Like the side of the spatula that’s clean. On the side of what we call deduction reasoning,how could you quantity what you believe? 

Mutually exclusivity, Singularity. 

I’m tired of these 20 minute love affairs, I make love continuously . Preserving, protecting, smiling at the thought of you.

Thoughtful touches, Kind affections, Lovely gestures.My weakness is being played against me in his circle of trust.On the flip side, there’s no rush.It’s about looking in the mirror to look into yourself.

This love transformed me, my realized self,I’m now exposed.No cover can hide this kind of vulnerability.

I’m lost in the woods looking at the trail to find my way back home.But I find myself following the moon,and I ended up here. So either side is one of the same.

Love endures. 

But on the flip side, the shit just dont make sense. 

my dad’s brush

This brush reminds me of some things about you,

How you’ll brush your wisdom towards the front and made sure all of our shoe laces were intrinsically tied, how you would brush the flem off of us when we cried.

This brush reminds me of all the times you came and showed up to save our emotional lives, as we were eternally dying and knowing naturally we weren’t born yet you held us so strong as a father would do anyway. 

Never reminding us we were different because you accepted the challenge to love us more than. Replacing the fatherless individuals who decided to give up on us. 

The pain would temporarily subside because you allowed us to live free and creatively get by.

This brush reminds me of the times you’ll allowed me to experiment on your hair line, as if you believe I was made up of magic and I could do anything if I put my mind to it.

Your subtlety brought joy in our lives while you enjoyed kids being innocent and let our imaginations run wild.

You never once interrupted that.

How we would imitate our favorite wrestlers moves and you’ll sit back and laugh at our noticeably novice groves.

You allowed us to be free. Free from the pain and heartache that occurred upstairs. You freed us from feeling dismayed when rejected by our own. You freed us dad there’s nothing more to say.

So every time I brush my own hair with the brush you used,

I feel like I’m still apart of you.I still feel the same spirits we both caught in church together, the same feeling of you allowing me to sleep on your shoulder when life became boring for me.

The same feeling when you cried and told me how much you love me as a daughter.

The same feeling when you showed up at my basketball game and the same feeling of infinity.

Infinite gestures to indicate through everything I always had you to rely on.

What a hard day to go through where this is the day you celebrate your father and I have no one to turn to.

I love you so much dad and this brush, the only piece of physical memory I have, reminds me of you.

  

Silver spoon

Growing up I was privileged.I had a silver spoon in my mouth.

But I wasn’t given a fork.
Heartbroken since birth,

I learned at an early age I was 

disposable.

But boy the silver spoon life was one 

to brag about.
Expensive taste but poverty-stricken heart.

No one knew the battle I faced coming to a house that wasn’t a home.

No one there to help you with your homework,

Help you scare off the ghosts in your closet,

No one there to help you feel love like a real mother shows her kids.
Everything felt conditional because I knew there would be that infallible moment the fictional love given to me would expire.
The ruins of a childhood trying to find who would love you are from broken relationships I carry in my spirit. 
The transparency.
Lying became my recourse

so I can sit in imaginary tree houses and tell imaginary stories to imaginary people of once upon a time tales when I was a princess and her mommy and daddy gave her a thousand kisses each night. 
Too bad reality always reminds us talking to yourself is a form of crazy.
So where would we find our therapy?

Because I’m sure a pill couldn’t make up for the fact of not being loved enough still means loving yourself when you live in a society that forces you to do something you don’t wanna do because you are suppose to love yourself when in fact loving yourself means you actually do. 
Somewhere there’s a clue.

Not too sure if it lies in man though.

Crush after crush a crushing blow reminds me I’m different.

The difference is that I will always be me vs the world.

Praying each day I don’t take my own self out.

Feeling alive

Feeling alive again…

Like kneeling to God again.

Confessing my sin and asking to find no fault in my meticulous attempts to surpass a fool.

I’m feeling alive again.

Like fully knowing the sunset will arise again.

Like how we skip rocks in the lake…
Seeing what’s anew each puddle we had left behind.

Or running so seamlessly through the corn fields on a sunny day that kisses our lips…

I’m feeling alive again.

God forgive me for being lost

I’m addicted to the pain,
I’m convinced.
Wondering why I am attracted to the ones who doesn’t want to explore my mind but my body is optional for them.

I pick these men of valor who takes pride in what they have as their queen on their arm.
Yet I’m starting to feel like the peasant that they play with, throw crumbs at, and laugh to the sanctions of how naive she must is.

But in reality (in mine that is) I just love love.
Love the connection that intertwine two souls that become one,
Spiritual bonds as our temples are being explored.
I’m not sure if that’s the dictionary version of saying she’s gullible but I do know I’m feeling pretty restless.

When is it my turn to feel the undeniable touch of a person who desires forever with me?
More importantly, why must my internal state feel so lost without it?
Stevie wonder plays the soundtrack of my soul and yet I live a reality of being constantly turned down by the one I want to give my heart to.
Feeling overjoyed until I’m back where I started.
The plot is continuously congruent.
Where must I change at?
Where do I start?

God forgive me for being so lost.